Recreate and Repeat

"Document the moments you feel most in love with yourself - what you're wearing, who you're around, what you're doing. Recreate and repeat."
-- Warsan Shire

Tuesday, 8:17 p.m. - Sitting at my desk by myself wearing my dad's old gray crewneck and listening to the rain and listening to The Paper Kites and distractedly working on APUSH homework and feeling the cold breeze and daydreaming

Sunday, 1:51 p.m. - Jittering, anticipating the fashion show to start, sitting next to an old comforting friend, drenched in the soft glow of the stage lights, wearing a soft sweater and a small smile, listening to the loud thump of the DJ's familiar remixes, the lights go dark and everything makes sense

Tuesday, 9:39 p.m. - I'm lying in bed in shorts and a too big tie dye tee shirt. I'm telling my dad about my day. I flossed. I trimmed and filed my nails. I turned my fan back on. I took a standardized test. Today was good.

Wednesday, 8:57 a.m. - The windows are down, The 1975 is playing low, the warm wind is rushing lightly across my face, I'm wearing ripped up jeans and a gray shirt, I don't feel gray, I'm heading to another doctor's appointment, this is who I am, and that's okay with me

Recreate and repeat. 

Conclusions / Reminders

Work is hard. But it has to be done. Push through.

Take initiative. Be more focused on the process towards the goal instead of the goal itself. Nothing worthwhile will just fall into the lap of an expectant person.

Relying on people and taking advantage of people are two very different things that can easily be confused.

Know when it is acceptable to be honest with your limits and be kind to yourself, and know when you need to shut up and get it over with.

Remember that there are other ways to make money.

Sacrifices don't always have to be called sacrifices; that word is overwhelming. Also, they don't always have to hurt or impair.

Things usually tend to seem okay-er in the morning.

Talking to Myself Again

It's okay if the world is spinning

It's okay if it's going so fast that you can't keep up and it's okay that you're dizzy again and your head is pounding

Focus on the car door handle

Focus on the lock switch

Don't look at the streetlights whizzing by

Don't look at the guardrail turning into a steady blur

Don't look at the lake it's too cold and it would not feel nice to stay under for that extra second

Focus on the handle and the switch

It's locked

It's going to stay locked until the ground stops moving beneath you and your family

But the ground won't stop moving beneath you

But it's okay if the world is spinning

And it's okay if it won't stop

This Little Moment Means so Much to Me (Happy Tears)

I am sitting in my room and I can hear the rain on the roof and it's dark outside and I'm talking to one of my best friends about our crazy, exciting futures and I can hear "One Love" playing downstairs mixing with my sisters' laughter and I can smell the freshly baked gooey butter cake and I'm writing with my absolute favorite pen and I am so happy and in love and content and I'm realizing that even though I had a blast adventuring with all my best friends yesterday, I wouldn't trade this moment right now for anything.

I've Been Misspelling 'Whoa' for My Whole Life

Candle burning

Daughter sings

Her voice is beautiful

But scary

eerie

Head is pounding

Pages turning

Light flickers

Time is ticking

here i sit and stare at the lines so blank but so full

things are happening around me and i throw words on a page

i set my glasses on the ground

a hazard

sometimes it's easier not to look at what I'm writing

and just write

it flows out better that way

ice cold water and grab the railing

caution,

i hang art on my walls but i can't create

four photos in one frame

five friends in one photobooth

i burned my candle for two months

thanks for getting me a new one

my great-great grandmother's watch doesn't tick anymore

it used to

it used to

i wonder if she loved it as much as i used to

i used to feel my heartbeat so loud

it kept me up at night

now sometimes i forget i even have one

you are so bright on that stage

what's the use of a record player with only one record

one album

repeating

good thing i like ella fitzgerald

is it more brave or more cowardly to pretend like someone you're not in public

Invisible scars on our hearts

From love and loss and lack of either

you said something stupid one time but i remembered it

"endlessly chasable, never attainable"

except chase-able isn't even a word

you are so stupid

i don't want to think about you anymore

i have so many colored pens but i always prefer to use the black one

i feel like it's less biased

the top three best smells in the world are laundry and linen-scented candles and your bedroom

and I've only ever been there twice

superficial

worst fears and bad dreams

superficial

i hate this time of year

i wish the grass would grow

but i guess it's my turn

What's in a Name

The way you say my name

Sweetly and softly and special

Like a proper noun

Important

Meant to be capitalized

Like a title or preface

The consonants roll off your lips and

Each syllable lingers a little too long

You say my name in italics

Smoothly and subtly

You make me like the sound

Of each letter weaving together with the next

It sounds different when you say it

It makes me want to listen

Please say it again

Lent!!!!!!

In the church, it is a tradition to give up something during the forty days of the season of Lent. It is supposed to be a time of reflection and fasting to prepare for and look forward to Christ's resurrection on Easter Sunday. I have never really solidly refrained from anything in the past, but this year I am going to attempt (!!!) to fast from social media.

This would be hard for any teenager in my generation, but that's precisely why I'm up for the challenge. This is in hopes that I will write and create more often, spend more time looking at God's creations rather than my phone screen, and pick up my Bible more frequently.

Since the season lasts forty days, it will take some getting used to, so I'm asking anyone and everyone to hold me accountable. This is something I want to do for myself (really just to prove to myself that I can do it). I'm not going to go toss my phone in the lake, but I am going to delete the social media apps that I have. I'll still reply to your text messages and answer your calls, but I won't be posting any more hilariously witty tweets or aesthetically appealing Instagram photos (sorry to let you all down).

Alright. Enough. This whole thing didn't really require a huge paragraph, but whatever. See ya in forty days, internet.

We Don't Need to Come Out of the Woods

In a crowd of people

You dip your head

In the wilderness

We sing instead

In the midst of it all

We whisper shy

In the muffled woods

We dance all night

In the crowded room

You hold my hand

Out here, we're flying

We will never land

In bustling cities

You avert your eyes

Among leaves and trees

You hush my cries

In heavy hallways

We cling to each other

But here and now

With kisses I'll smother

In a crowd of people

You sigh and dread

Inside the woods

We fall in love instead

Art

I am not your masterpiece.

You cannot change me, and burn me, and stain my skin

And sign your name at the bottom

And claim me as yours.

I am not your masterpiece.

I am not a masterpiece.

You cannot leave me hanging on the wall

And admire me from afar.

Steal me, hold me, break me out of this museum.

I am not a masterpiece.

I am a work of art.

You cannot replace me, for there is only one.

He has molded me, shaded me, and loved me.

I am ever-changing, I am His.

I am a work of art.

When I was Sick

Two Haikus

You gently tucked that

Strand of fallen hair in my

Messy ponytail

And that's exactly

When I fell in love with you

All over again