Four Days

Four days.

It's been four days since I've been out of the hospital. 

Four days in reality. 

A hell of a lot can happen in four days. 

It's been hard. 

What is reality?

Who am I?

If someone asked, who is Katelyn Bartels, I'm not sure I could answer. 

I'm not sure anyone could answer. 

Am I even real?

Is this life even real?

What is real?

My pastor today said John 10:10, "I came so that you might have life, and have it abundantly."

What does that even mean?

I couldn't even get my mind and body under control within four days. 

How am I supposed to live life abundantly when I don't even know whose life I'm living?

I want to know how to live, not just survive. 

But I barely know how to survive. 

It's been four days. 

And all I've done is survive. 

Not live. 

Four days in reality, and I still don't know who I am. 

Does this not concern anyone else?

Thoughts About the Hospital

the light and beeping monitors in my room and

the tangle and tug from the tubes in my veins and

constant thoughts of you

keep me up at night

you're more of a lifeline to me than this IV pump beside my hospital bed

Check out My Journal for some Morbidly Descriptive Entries about Hospitals and an Annoying Chronic Disease

05.01.13

"You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering."

-Ernest Hemingway 

Storm Saga

Falling asleep to the rain is what reminds me that I don't need you anymore

You are the persistent raindrops on the roof and I left my window open knowing the curtains would get a little damp

Come sit on my windowsill and listen to the darn rainclouds while I tack your stubborn shadow back onto your tired feet

It's 10:29 pm come stand in my driveway until my hair is soaking wet and our whispers are drowned in thunder and steady rain

I've forgotten the difference between lightning and the sparkle in your eyes and thunder and your heavy footsteps

The soft rain lulls you to sleep while I lie awake contemplating the difference between a storm and my soul

I hope you're happy with your boarded up windows because I'm spinning around in the downpour wondering if you ever miss being drenched

I've nearly exhausted the storm metaphor so good night

Dear Myself,

You can't keep running around shoving your dripping heart into the hands of unsuspecting boys and expect them to take care of it. It's not him or him or him or him, at least right now it's not. Right now, it's you. You need to learn to take care of yourself before you can properly trust someone else to do the job justice. Because you deserve a cozy bedroom and fresh strawberries in the morning and a good ink pen that writes smoothly instead of what you've been settling for. Just give it up already. It's not him or him or him or him, at least right now it's not. I won't say "someday" because I know you hate it. And I won't say "the right guy" because I know you hate it. But sooner or later, you'll know. And you'll be happy. And until then, hold on for the ride. Because right now, it's you. 

Please

Swinging your legs off the bed in the doctor's office

Just like you were swinging your legs on the swingset six years ago

The nurse accidentally pops your vein

Like you used to pop your bubblegum

Car rides full of silence and anticipation and sighs

Instead of music and laughter and smirks

Why did you want to grow up?

Please,

Why did you want to grow up?

Pills

Little blue and green,

You control my life now.

Do you feel powerful?

Because I feel helpless.

Let's add another!

They say. 

Little tiny white,

You're in control now, too.

Do you feel powerful?

Because I feel helpless.

She needs more!

They say. 

Little pale pink. 

You have control as well. 

Do you feel powerful?

Because I feel helpless. 

How's another, just in case!

They say. 

Little blue circle. 

You're part of the control. 

Do you feel powerful?

Because I feel helpless. 

She needs more!

They say.

She is ill!

They say. 

These will help her!

They say. 

Do you feel powerful?

Because I feel helpless.

Endless Chase

Who is the Sun?

Who is the Moon?

They are so in love that

They chase each other around the Earth

Never bothering to realize that

If one of them would just slow down

They could perhaps meet

For one second

Love by Roy Croft

Love

I love you

Not only for what you are,

But for what I am

When I am with you.

I love you,

Not only for what

You have made of yourself,

But for what

You are making of me.

I love you

For the part of me

That you bring out;

I love you

For putting your hand

Into my heaped-up heart

And passing over

All the foolish, weak things

That you can't help

Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out

Into the light

All the beautiful belongings

That no one else had looked

Quite far enough to find

I love you because you

Are helping me to make

Of the lumber of my life

Not a tavern

But a temple.

Out of the works

Of my every day

Not a reproach

But a song.

I love you

Because you have done

More than any creed

Could have done

To make me good.

And more than any fate

Could have done

To make me happy.

You have done it

Without a touch,

Without a word,

Without a sign.

You have done it

By being yourself.

Perhaps that is what

Being a friend means,

After all.

by Roy Croft

Haiku(s) To You(s)

Can you just shut up.

Your voice makes me cringe and you're

Really annoying.

I can't even start

To explain how obnoxious

You and your "friends" are.

Ew no wow no stop.

Please stop trying so hard to

Impress everyone

Because it doesn't

Work. Everyone knows you're fake

As your eyelashes.

You think you're cool but

Hipsters are overrated.

And so are you, too.